Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
