I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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