Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
