so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
