Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
