Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
