Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
