why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
birth control should be required to get into college
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How many fucks given?
0.12846
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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