why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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