I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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