she was so not down for the gang bang
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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