I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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