He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
