How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
