Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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