it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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