I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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