my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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