the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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