I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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