I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
