she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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