Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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