Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
