he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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