so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
