He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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