so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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