Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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