If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
