thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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