If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
