I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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