i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
