it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
