it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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