So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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