I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You smell like stripper and shame
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
