some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
