i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Pants are for mortals
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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