I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
