final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
