i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
