i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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