Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
