you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
