I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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