So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
