it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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