im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
