Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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