i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
