I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
