actually, I'm a sock model
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
