you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you inspire me to be a worse person
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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